Background Noise

  I feel like my life is little more than background noise in the grand scheme of things. It never gets noticed because of how mediocre it is and I am. It seems the only time I do get noticed is when I royally fuck up in some fashion. I always feel like the odd man out. Like I don't belong anywhere. For example, take the gaming group that I've gaming with for over a decade. Despite the fact that I've been with these people that long, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not truly part of the group. It's the same way at work. It's this feeling that kept me from dating. I know, deep down inside, that any attempts I make at finding someone will only end in failure. Some years back I hooked up with a local BDSM group I found on AOL. I attended a few meetings but I could never get comfortable with them. I tried to stick it out going so far as to attend a BDSM gathering at a hotel in northern Illinois. I went into the bar area where everyone was hanging out and did... nothing. I didn't speak or try to get to know anyone there. My anxiety got to the point where I just left. As I was driving home, I realized that I'd forgotten my coat and actually considered just leaving it there and taking the loss.
  The reality is I'll never be physically, mentally, emotionally or financially ready for a relationship. For the women of the world, that's really great news. One less sub par idiot making a play for their affections. One less mediocre dipshit ruining their social lives. My erectile dysfunction seems to have gotten worse not that it matters. I'm not sure whether that's due to diabetic complications or a fucked up mental state. Probably both. I've been trying to get my a1c down to 7 or below with mixed results. While I've had some good days, I'm still screwing things up enough to potentially cause problems. I need to get my a1c down so I can get hip replacement surgery done to correct the avascular necrosis.

News Bits

  The right radical orchiectomy went well. The incisions are healing and there has been little in the way of pain. I have to set up an appointment with Dr. Matkov so he can tell me what was wrong with my right testicle. Update: My oncologist, Dr. Jefferies, gave me the orchiectomy results this past Tuesday. It's official, I had stage 1 seminoma (testicular cancer). Since it was confined to my right testicle, it's pretty much gone. My tumor markers are going to have to monitored every three months to make sure there's no recurrence. This fucking sucks. I undergo a colectomy and chemotherapy in order to rid myself of colon cancer only to end up with seminoma. Then I undergo an orchiectomy to get rid of the seminoma. The enlarged lymph node has yet to be analyzed. For all I know, a third form of cancer is fucking up some other part of my body.

  My erectile dysfunction appears to have worsened. I no longer get anything even approaching a decent erection anymore. I'm less of a man now than I've ever been. Not that I've ever been much of a man even when my penis worked and I had two functioning testicles. Women ignored me then. They have even more reason to ignore me now.

  My life has been little more than a shining example of mediocrity. I've made little, if any, impact on anything. Nothing I've done has amounted to anything significant. I used to think that I was smart and that said intellect would land me a decent job and lead to a decent life. I couldn't have been more wrong. Despite having health insurance and living with my parents, I'm barely making ends meet. One major financial crisis and I'm screwed. I have virtually no social life. The only time I usually see my friends is when we get together for gaming. And dating is out of the question. No woman wants what I have to offer. While any one particular flaw might not be enough to scare them away, all of them together will easily do the trick. The total, in this case, is far greater than the sum of the parts.

  That being the case, it means that the later years of my life are going to be lonely ones. After Mom and Dad die, I'll probably have to sell the house. Since I'm their executor, I'll be the one settling their estate. Jeff and I are the primary beneficiaries for now. With them gone, it will just be me. 

End of the Year Thoughts

  2015 is almost over. Overall, it was another blah year. The only major highlight was Gen Con. Other than that it's been little more than work, home, work, home, bills and dealing with medical issues. My last colonoscopy produced only a benign polyp that was removed. The CT scan showed an enlarged lymph node deep in my abdominal region. They're going to do a PET scan to try to determine whether it's enlarged due to some minor gastric problem or cancer. Let's hope for the former. My weight's been on the rise again. I weighed 321lbs. at the oncologist's office. I have to get this under control. If I keep this shit up, I'll be over 400lbs. this time next year.
  2016 looks like it's going to be a nothing year like the rest. My whole life's been a series of nothing years. There won't be anything on the relationship front. Why would any woman be interested in a bloated fuckwad like me? I'm going to try to go to Gen Con again. I've marked off the dates for badge, hotel and event registration and put in a request to get the latter two days off. I've been paying down my credit card and shunting money into my Google Wallet and Amex Serve accounts. Hopefully everything will work out.

It's better to have loved and lost...

...than never to have loved at all. Whoever thought of this is a fucking idiot. A person who has never loved at all has no real idea what they're missing. It's the classic "ignorance is bliss" scenario. On the other hand, when you've loved and lost, you have to deal with that loss the rest of your life. I've only had one serious relationship in my life. Angela and I met online some years back due to a personal ad I placed. She was sweet and cute. She enjoyed role playing games and bondage. We communicated online for a while. I drove to Columbus, Indiana to bring her to Gen Con since it was still in Milwaukee at that time. Long story short, I loved her. Still do. But, for reasons I'm still unclear about, the relationship ended shortly after Gen Con. I have the distinctly unpleasant feeling something I did brought it to said end. There's been no one since her. Having had a taste of what it's like to love someone, I now realize what I'm missing. I can't go back to my blissfully ignorant state. I'm always going to know what it was like to be in love. I also know that I'm unlikely to ever return to that state again.

Keeping up Appearances

  I pride myself on being a cynical fucking human being. I enjoy it. I revel in it. It's been my main defense mechanism for dealing with my loneliness and insecurities since high school. It's been the mask I've worn to keep people from knowing too much about me. Lately though, cracks have been appearing in the facade. Scenes in movies have actually brought tears to my eyes. Why the fuck is this happening to me!?! I can't be caught letting my guard down like this. It's bad enough most people regard me as a nothing and a nobody. I'm not about to add emotional little dipshit to that list. Appearances need to be maintained.

Ding Dong...

  My dick is dead. Well, not completely dead, more like 80% dead. Truthfully, I shouldn't be all that concerned. So what if I can't get it up anymore. It's not like I'm really losing anything, right? My sex life has gone from asymptotically approaching zero to zero. Having erectile dysfunction is just Nature's way of saying "You're going to remain a virgin for the rest of your miserable life, you repugnant little nobody." The problem is the desire is still there. I still want to have sex. I still want to indulge in bondage. But since women have unilaterally decided that they want nothing to do with me sexually, neither of those things are likely to happen. I wish I could kill off my sexual desires. Just end them completely. Then I could slouch my way to death like the eunuch I was apparently always meant to be.

Some Updates

  I still don't know if my insurance is going to cover that $12,889.80 hospital bill I incurred at the end of last year. The latest news is that the UFCW Insurance people wanted Aurora to fax over the itemized list of expenses to them. This is after I had to get Aurora to fax the list to Anthem. I gave them the claim number and the fax number. Aurora proceeded to fax the list to the wrong number. I gave them the correct number and hopefully the list was faxed to the UFCW Insurance people. I'm going to call them later today and make sure. I still figure that I'm going to get screwed in this matter despite all the hoops I've had to jump through. If that happens, my plans to go to GenCon this year might have to be cancelled. There's no way I'm going to be able to go if I'm stuck paying this on my own.

  On a different front, I've left both the Bondage Uprising and Sub Shop Yahoo groups. The only reason I joined those groups was because I wanted to see how the other half lived. The other half being people that actually have sex lives and indulge in bondage. The way I see it, no experience equals no opinion regarding anything posted. I also believe that Autumn and Nicole want nothing more to do with me. I've worn out my welcome. Neither one of them has responded to my emails regarding the Bondage Uprising web site. Truth to tell, they haven't responded to anything email or comment wise. Just as well, I never really belonged there. These groups are for people with experience, not a pathetic virgin and wannabe BDSMer that no woman will ever want to fuck like me. If having sex is a rite of passage in this society, and I believe it is, then I'm not even officially a man yet. That being said, I should be barred from any and all adult oriented groups.

Terminal Virginitis

  I'm going to be a virgin my whole fucking life. Not by choice, mind you, but because women find me utterly, wholly and completely repellent. I'm not at the bottom of sexual desirability totem pole, I'm several miles beneath it. I'd have to put in considerable effort if I want to move up to the lofty score of zero. It makes me wish that I could excise all the sexual thoughts, urges and fetishes from my brain. All they do is remind me of things I'll never have or experience like an intimate relationship, kinky sex or even vanilla sex for that matter. Not that I deserve any of that being the worthless piece of shit that I am. I'd be better off as a sexless, lobotomized freak. Odds are I'd be happier or at least so brain dead I'd no longer care. Hell, I'm already part way there because like about half the men my age, I suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction. My cock just isn't what it used to be. But since I'm never going to have sexual relations with a woman, it hardly fucking matters. It could shrivel up and fall off and my sex life would go from virtually nonexistent to simply nonexistent.

My Last Rant on this Subject

  My sex life is nonexistent. It is always going to be nonexistent. With that in mind, I've decided to make this my last rant on this topic. After this, I won't write about it anymore. As any regular reader here knows, women are utterly and completely disinterested in me. I am the ultimate omega male. There many reasons for this.
  1. I'm not particularly handsome. Let's face facts, I'm a dumpy, possibly balding fuck. My looks pretty much scream genetic defective.
  2. Despite a college degree, I work as a wage slave in a grocery store doing a job a retarded monkey could probably pull off. Whatever potential I had was wasted due to laziness and stupidity on my part. A B.S. in chemistry and nothing to show for it.
  3. I never left home. That's right, dear insouciant reader, yours truly still lives with his parents. If there's anything guaranteed to both turn women away and keep them away, it's this.
  4. No woman wants to deal with someone as sexually inexperienced as I am. Being a virgin at my age is proof positive of how undesirable I am to the opposite sex. Hell, I couldn't get laid at a heterosexual nymphomaniacs convention.
  5. While it might appear at times that I seem to be a happy person, deep down I'm a bitter, cynical individual that tends to regard humanity as little more than a large group of vicious animals. There are times when I sincerely believe that the only reason other people exist is so they can metaphorically shit all over me.
  6. I'm a nothing and a nobody. I'm so far beneath contempt it's a wonder the rest of humanity even bothers to acknowledge my existence.
  7. Too much fantasizing has severely skewed what I want in a potential mate. I cling to an image of a desirable woman that is unachieveable. Expecting any woman to become my perfect mate, especially given how woefully inadequate I am is the height of arrogance. I have no right to hold anyone to standards I have so miserably failed to achieve.
  Taken singly, none of these physical and character flaws would necessarily prevent me from finding that special someone. However, the whole is far, far greater than the sum of its parts. Each defect augments and magnifies the others rendering said whole wholly, completely and utterly unpalatable to the fairer sex. I'm surprised they don't become physically ill whenever I'm around.
  So ends my final rant on this matter.

Asocial Personality Disorder

  I've never been a very sociable person. I tend to keep to myself most of the time. People tend to get somewhat weirded out on those rare occasions when I get talkative. I don't associate much with my fellow coworkers. I don't like being at social gatherings where I don't know anyone because I have a hard time talking to people I don't know. Being a random person at a rock concert is fine because everyone's attention is focused on the stage. This lack of sociability is the main reason I make no attempts at dating. Dating involves putting yourself out there and essentially advertising yourself. This works fine if you have something worth advertising. I have nothing worth advertising. I'm not a happy person by nature. I pride myself on being a cynical fuck that sees humans as the often vicious animals we are. I keep a lot of hate and anger inside me. This hate and anger gets evenly split. Half of it I turn on myself. The other half gets spewed at whatever's pissing me off at the moment. I regard this as a fair split since I'm responsible for most of the shit that fucks with my life here on this miserable little turd ball of a planet. This anger and hate is always just below the surface. It seeps out in small ways whenever I feel like people or events are deliberately fucking with me. My body language and attitude convey a subtle 'I have no desire to suffer your presence. Please fuck off and die.' message that drives people away. When you're like this most of the time, people avoid talking to you. Despite my desire to find some female companionship, I genuinely feel that it's best that I remain alone. With the exception of the times I've spent with my few close friends, being alone is usually when I'm happiest. I'm just not good around people.

Another P.T.T. Moment Revised

  While being a complete and utter nobody that no woman would ever want to fuck has its disadvantages, there are some positive aspects to it.
  1. I have virtually no chance of contracting an STD. Hell, the only way I could get AIDS is from contaminated blood.
  2. I'll never have to deal with alimony, palimony or prenups.
  3. No unwanted pregnancies.
  4. Any genetic defects present in my DNA die with me.
  5. I'm not contributing to the overpopulation of the world.
  6. I'll never have to worry about being stalked by a crazy ex-lover.
  7. No marriage means no divorce.
  8. I get to fuck both Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day in the ass with a razor wire dildo.
  9. If I suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in the future, it won't be that big a deal. I have yet to have sex with a woman. It's unlikely that I ever will have sex with a woman. Where's the loss? I'd go from having virtually no sex life to having no sex life. Things would hardly change.
  10. I'll never have to worry about my ability to please a woman sexually because no woman will ever want to have sex with me. Think of all the stress I'll be avoiding as a result.
  11. I'll also be saving money because I'll never have to go through any dating or courting rituals trying to win over a woman that finds me repugnant. They don't want to deal with me. I stay away from them. It's a win-win all around.
  12. I'll never have to deal with the scrutiny of  any woman's friends or relatives regarding my status as a potential mate. More stress relief.
  13. Since I've never had sex, I don't know what it's like. And you can't really miss something you've never had. As the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss.". If that's the case, then as far as sex goes, I'm one blissed out motherfucker.
  14. I never have to deal with a jealous mate. I can look at all the women I want and collect fetish photos and DVDs with impunity.
  15. I never have to worry about my girlfriend cheating on me because, let's face it, no woman is ever going to want that position. I'm going to be alone my whole fucking life.
  16. According to a recent newspaper article, it costs about $280,000.00 to raise a child today. Since the likelihood of me ever becoming a father is pretty much nonexistent, I'll never have to bear this cost. That means more money for me. If I play my cards right maybe I can use said saving to pay for a trip to Australia. I've always wanted to go there.
  17. Treating erectile disfunction costs money. But since the odds of my having sex is zero, I don't need to spend the money. More savings for me.
  I'm sure there are other positive aspects to being a worthless, miserable nonentity like me. If I think of any more, I'll edit them into this blog post. This has been another Polishing the Turd moment brought to you by the Fellowship of The Eternal Dobbs Pipe. May the Luck Plane align in your favor.

The Soulmate Myth

  Some people believe that everyone in the world has a soulmate. That special someone that's ideally suited to them and is their perfect mate. This is complete and utter fucking bullshit. This is a myth perpetuated by dating sights and services in order to get your money. Don't get me wrong, some people do find that special someone and have truly happy and fulfilled lives with them. But to believe that EVERYONE has a soulmate is mind numbingly naive. The only guarantee in life is that you'll eventually die. Most people never find that special someone. They end up simply finding someone that they can tolerate and that will tolerate them and go on to have a fairly mediocre existence. Others, like me, just give up altogether and stop searching. What's the point? What is the motherfucking point? Why should I engage in a completely pointless and futile act that will only end in failure? If there was a point in my life when I was at my peak, it's long since past. Even at this so called peak I wasn't much. Now that I'm in the inexorable slide towards death, it doesn't make much sense to waste my remaining time here hoping to find some woman interested in spending time with me. If I'm pretty much going to be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. Like I said before, I've done plenty of things alone.

Open Letter to the Universe

  I'm tired of having my insignificance in the grand scheme of things rubbed in my face all the time. The same goes for my inability to attract women. I'm sick of being reminded that my life's not even worth shit. I'm a nobody and I don't matter. I get it. I'm less than nothing. A nonentity. Message received. Now get the fuck off my back. I'll make you a deal. Leave me alone and I'll stay here and wallow in the pathetic mediocrity that is my life. 'Kay? I won't try and be the somebody I know I'm not.

A P.T.T. Moment

For me, Valentine's Day is a day I can ignore with impunity. I don't have to buy any gifts, watch chick flicks or do anything even remotely romantic. I can be a self centered prick and get away with it. Most guys can't pull that off. They have to make nice with their significant others and play their little love games. And if they fail, no sex, probably for quite a while if they really screw things up. Me? I have no one so I never have to play these silly little romantic games. Not now, not ever. Not being in a relationship means doing what I want when I want. It means I don't have to run the gauntlet of her friends to see if I meet up to their standards. The same goes for her relatives. I don't have to worry about what she'll think of my eccentricities and fetishes because she doesn't exist. Yup, I've got it made. This polishing the turd moment has been brought to you by the Malkavian Madness Network. All madness, all the time.

You're Welcome Ladies

To all you ladies out there that are tired of less than ideal guys hitting on you, you can rest assured that I never will. I'm well aware of the fact that you want nothing to do with me so I leave you all alone. I know all too well that there are a lot of self deluded guys out there that think they can get any woman they want when, in fact, all they do is make you sick to your stomach. They just don't get the hint that you don't want them around. These omega males actually think that they're somebody. I'm not that fucking stupid. I'm fully aware of my nonentity status. I know that I don't stand a chance in the dating scene so I don't waste your time or mine. I leave you ladies alone so you can find a suitable person to hook up with and for that, you're welcome.