Background Noise

  I feel like my life is little more than background noise in the grand scheme of things. It never gets noticed because of how mediocre it is and I am. It seems the only time I do get noticed is when I royally fuck up in some fashion. I always feel like the odd man out. Like I don't belong anywhere. For example, take the gaming group that I've gaming with for over a decade. Despite the fact that I've been with these people that long, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not truly part of the group. It's the same way at work. It's this feeling that kept me from dating. I know, deep down inside, that any attempts I make at finding someone will only end in failure. Some years back I hooked up with a local BDSM group I found on AOL. I attended a few meetings but I could never get comfortable with them. I tried to stick it out going so far as to attend a BDSM gathering at a hotel in northern Illinois. I went into the bar area where everyone was hanging out and did... nothing. I didn't speak or try to get to know anyone there. My anxiety got to the point where I just left. As I was driving home, I realized that I'd forgotten my coat and actually considered just leaving it there and taking the loss.
  The reality is I'll never be physically, mentally, emotionally or financially ready for a relationship. For the women of the world, that's really great news. One less sub par idiot making a play for their affections. One less mediocre dipshit ruining their social lives. My erectile dysfunction seems to have gotten worse not that it matters. I'm not sure whether that's due to diabetic complications or a fucked up mental state. Probably both. I've been trying to get my a1c down to 7 or below with mixed results. While I've had some good days, I'm still screwing things up enough to potentially cause problems. I need to get my a1c down so I can get hip replacement surgery done to correct the avascular necrosis.

Keeping up Appearances

  I pride myself on being a cynical fucking human being. I enjoy it. I revel in it. It's been my main defense mechanism for dealing with my loneliness and insecurities since high school. It's been the mask I've worn to keep people from knowing too much about me. Lately though, cracks have been appearing in the facade. Scenes in movies have actually brought tears to my eyes. Why the fuck is this happening to me!?! I can't be caught letting my guard down like this. It's bad enough most people regard me as a nothing and a nobody. I'm not about to add emotional little dipshit to that list. Appearances need to be maintained.

Terminal Virginitis

  I'm going to be a virgin my whole fucking life. Not by choice, mind you, but because women find me utterly, wholly and completely repellent. I'm not at the bottom of sexual desirability totem pole, I'm several miles beneath it. I'd have to put in considerable effort if I want to move up to the lofty score of zero. It makes me wish that I could excise all the sexual thoughts, urges and fetishes from my brain. All they do is remind me of things I'll never have or experience like an intimate relationship, kinky sex or even vanilla sex for that matter. Not that I deserve any of that being the worthless piece of shit that I am. I'd be better off as a sexless, lobotomized freak. Odds are I'd be happier or at least so brain dead I'd no longer care. Hell, I'm already part way there because like about half the men my age, I suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction. My cock just isn't what it used to be. But since I'm never going to have sexual relations with a woman, it hardly fucking matters. It could shrivel up and fall off and my sex life would go from virtually nonexistent to simply nonexistent.

Another P.T.T. Moment Revised

  While being a complete and utter nobody that no woman would ever want to fuck has its disadvantages, there are some positive aspects to it.
  1. I have virtually no chance of contracting an STD. Hell, the only way I could get AIDS is from contaminated blood.
  2. I'll never have to deal with alimony, palimony or prenups.
  3. No unwanted pregnancies.
  4. Any genetic defects present in my DNA die with me.
  5. I'm not contributing to the overpopulation of the world.
  6. I'll never have to worry about being stalked by a crazy ex-lover.
  7. No marriage means no divorce.
  8. I get to fuck both Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day in the ass with a razor wire dildo.
  9. If I suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in the future, it won't be that big a deal. I have yet to have sex with a woman. It's unlikely that I ever will have sex with a woman. Where's the loss? I'd go from having virtually no sex life to having no sex life. Things would hardly change.
  10. I'll never have to worry about my ability to please a woman sexually because no woman will ever want to have sex with me. Think of all the stress I'll be avoiding as a result.
  11. I'll also be saving money because I'll never have to go through any dating or courting rituals trying to win over a woman that finds me repugnant. They don't want to deal with me. I stay away from them. It's a win-win all around.
  12. I'll never have to deal with the scrutiny of  any woman's friends or relatives regarding my status as a potential mate. More stress relief.
  13. Since I've never had sex, I don't know what it's like. And you can't really miss something you've never had. As the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss.". If that's the case, then as far as sex goes, I'm one blissed out motherfucker.
  14. I never have to deal with a jealous mate. I can look at all the women I want and collect fetish photos and DVDs with impunity.
  15. I never have to worry about my girlfriend cheating on me because, let's face it, no woman is ever going to want that position. I'm going to be alone my whole fucking life.
  16. According to a recent newspaper article, it costs about $280,000.00 to raise a child today. Since the likelihood of me ever becoming a father is pretty much nonexistent, I'll never have to bear this cost. That means more money for me. If I play my cards right maybe I can use said saving to pay for a trip to Australia. I've always wanted to go there.
  17. Treating erectile disfunction costs money. But since the odds of my having sex is zero, I don't need to spend the money. More savings for me.
  I'm sure there are other positive aspects to being a worthless, miserable nonentity like me. If I think of any more, I'll edit them into this blog post. This has been another Polishing the Turd moment brought to you by the Fellowship of The Eternal Dobbs Pipe. May the Luck Plane align in your favor.

Open Letter to the Universe

  I'm tired of having my insignificance in the grand scheme of things rubbed in my face all the time. The same goes for my inability to attract women. I'm sick of being reminded that my life's not even worth shit. I'm a nobody and I don't matter. I get it. I'm less than nothing. A nonentity. Message received. Now get the fuck off my back. I'll make you a deal. Leave me alone and I'll stay here and wallow in the pathetic mediocrity that is my life. 'Kay? I won't try and be the somebody I know I'm not.

Hatred: Self or Otherwise

There are times when I wish the entire world would fuck itself in the ass sideways with a dead cat. I get tired of dealing with the moronic twits populating this insignificant little dirt ball and wish that I could cull them from the herd and kill them just because I want them dead. That's not too much to ask is it? I admit that it's a tad megalomaniacal to desire such a thing. So what? I'm not the only person to ever think such thoughts. Of course there are times when my hatred turns inward and I wonder why I bother continuing my worthless existence. I constantly feel like I don't belong anywhere which makes it damn difficult to try new things. I always feel like I'm being judged. I figure that rejection is inevitable so I don't waste the time. I can't get comfortable in most social situations. I used to be more optimistic about my future. I thought I was smart. I thought said intelligence would get me a good education and a decent job. I have a B.S. in chemistry. What do I have to show for it? Nothing. I work in a grocery store. I've wasted my potential. I've made too many stupid decisions in my life. The question before me now is can I salvage something decent from this or am I just engaging in an act of futility?

The first suit

The standard black zentai arrived yesterday. It fit BEAUTIFULLY!! Those custom measurements I sent to Zentai Box worked nicely. The only minor problem I had was when it came time to zip up the suit. I'm not especially flexible and it was hard to reach the lower zipper pull when it got in between my shoulder blades. I ended up running a short length of cord through the zipper pull to form a loop. Then I used my plastic crook hook to catch the loop so I could pull it up. The top zipper pull was less of a problem. I love the way the suit feels against my skin. The suit gently constricts itself around my entire body. All tactile and visual sensations are blunted by the suit. I wore a second hood under the zentai hood. It's made of black spandex with mesh covered eye holes. That way if I need to see better, I can pull down the zentai hood and still remain masked. What's the fun in wearing zentai if you're not anonymous? I loved the way it felt so much that I decided to sleep in it last night. I can't wait for the other two suits to arrive. The metallic black suit is already in the mail. It hasn't left China yet though. The camouflage suit is still being made. I'm considering wearing the camouflage zentai to the Bristol Renaissance Faire if I get a chance to go this year. While drinking wouldn't be much of a problem, eating poses some difficulties. I don't want to get food stains on my suit. Of course I could fill up before I go thus negating the need to eat there. I'll work things out when the time comes.