Keeping up Appearances

  I pride myself on being a cynical fucking human being. I enjoy it. I revel in it. It's been my main defense mechanism for dealing with my loneliness and insecurities since high school. It's been the mask I've worn to keep people from knowing too much about me. Lately though, cracks have been appearing in the facade. Scenes in movies have actually brought tears to my eyes. Why the fuck is this happening to me!?! I can't be caught letting my guard down like this. It's bad enough most people regard me as a nothing and a nobody. I'm not about to add emotional little dipshit to that list. Appearances need to be maintained.

My Last Rant on this Subject

  My sex life is nonexistent. It is always going to be nonexistent. With that in mind, I've decided to make this my last rant on this topic. After this, I won't write about it anymore. As any regular reader here knows, women are utterly and completely disinterested in me. I am the ultimate omega male. There many reasons for this.
  1. I'm not particularly handsome. Let's face facts, I'm a dumpy, possibly balding fuck. My looks pretty much scream genetic defective.
  2. Despite a college degree, I work as a wage slave in a grocery store doing a job a retarded monkey could probably pull off. Whatever potential I had was wasted due to laziness and stupidity on my part. A B.S. in chemistry and nothing to show for it.
  3. I never left home. That's right, dear insouciant reader, yours truly still lives with his parents. If there's anything guaranteed to both turn women away and keep them away, it's this.
  4. No woman wants to deal with someone as sexually inexperienced as I am. Being a virgin at my age is proof positive of how undesirable I am to the opposite sex. Hell, I couldn't get laid at a heterosexual nymphomaniacs convention.
  5. While it might appear at times that I seem to be a happy person, deep down I'm a bitter, cynical individual that tends to regard humanity as little more than a large group of vicious animals. There are times when I sincerely believe that the only reason other people exist is so they can metaphorically shit all over me.
  6. I'm a nothing and a nobody. I'm so far beneath contempt it's a wonder the rest of humanity even bothers to acknowledge my existence.
  7. Too much fantasizing has severely skewed what I want in a potential mate. I cling to an image of a desirable woman that is unachieveable. Expecting any woman to become my perfect mate, especially given how woefully inadequate I am is the height of arrogance. I have no right to hold anyone to standards I have so miserably failed to achieve.
  Taken singly, none of these physical and character flaws would necessarily prevent me from finding that special someone. However, the whole is far, far greater than the sum of its parts. Each defect augments and magnifies the others rendering said whole wholly, completely and utterly unpalatable to the fairer sex. I'm surprised they don't become physically ill whenever I'm around.
  So ends my final rant on this matter.

Asocial Personality Disorder

  I've never been a very sociable person. I tend to keep to myself most of the time. People tend to get somewhat weirded out on those rare occasions when I get talkative. I don't associate much with my fellow coworkers. I don't like being at social gatherings where I don't know anyone because I have a hard time talking to people I don't know. Being a random person at a rock concert is fine because everyone's attention is focused on the stage. This lack of sociability is the main reason I make no attempts at dating. Dating involves putting yourself out there and essentially advertising yourself. This works fine if you have something worth advertising. I have nothing worth advertising. I'm not a happy person by nature. I pride myself on being a cynical fuck that sees humans as the often vicious animals we are. I keep a lot of hate and anger inside me. This hate and anger gets evenly split. Half of it I turn on myself. The other half gets spewed at whatever's pissing me off at the moment. I regard this as a fair split since I'm responsible for most of the shit that fucks with my life here on this miserable little turd ball of a planet. This anger and hate is always just below the surface. It seeps out in small ways whenever I feel like people or events are deliberately fucking with me. My body language and attitude convey a subtle 'I have no desire to suffer your presence. Please fuck off and die.' message that drives people away. When you're like this most of the time, people avoid talking to you. Despite my desire to find some female companionship, I genuinely feel that it's best that I remain alone. With the exception of the times I've spent with my few close friends, being alone is usually when I'm happiest. I'm just not good around people.