Background Noise

  I feel like my life is little more than background noise in the grand scheme of things. It never gets noticed because of how mediocre it is and I am. It seems the only time I do get noticed is when I royally fuck up in some fashion. I always feel like the odd man out. Like I don't belong anywhere. For example, take the gaming group that I've gaming with for over a decade. Despite the fact that I've been with these people that long, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not truly part of the group. It's the same way at work. It's this feeling that kept me from dating. I know, deep down inside, that any attempts I make at finding someone will only end in failure. Some years back I hooked up with a local BDSM group I found on AOL. I attended a few meetings but I could never get comfortable with them. I tried to stick it out going so far as to attend a BDSM gathering at a hotel in northern Illinois. I went into the bar area where everyone was hanging out and did... nothing. I didn't speak or try to get to know anyone there. My anxiety got to the point where I just left. As I was driving home, I realized that I'd forgotten my coat and actually considered just leaving it there and taking the loss.
  The reality is I'll never be physically, mentally, emotionally or financially ready for a relationship. For the women of the world, that's really great news. One less sub par idiot making a play for their affections. One less mediocre dipshit ruining their social lives. My erectile dysfunction seems to have gotten worse not that it matters. I'm not sure whether that's due to diabetic complications or a fucked up mental state. Probably both. I've been trying to get my a1c down to 7 or below with mixed results. While I've had some good days, I'm still screwing things up enough to potentially cause problems. I need to get my a1c down so I can get hip replacement surgery done to correct the avascular necrosis.

It's better to have loved and lost...

...than never to have loved at all. Whoever thought of this is a fucking idiot. A person who has never loved at all has no real idea what they're missing. It's the classic "ignorance is bliss" scenario. On the other hand, when you've loved and lost, you have to deal with that loss the rest of your life. I've only had one serious relationship in my life. Angela and I met online some years back due to a personal ad I placed. She was sweet and cute. She enjoyed role playing games and bondage. We communicated online for a while. I drove to Columbus, Indiana to bring her to Gen Con since it was still in Milwaukee at that time. Long story short, I loved her. Still do. But, for reasons I'm still unclear about, the relationship ended shortly after Gen Con. I have the distinctly unpleasant feeling something I did brought it to said end. There's been no one since her. Having had a taste of what it's like to love someone, I now realize what I'm missing. I can't go back to my blissfully ignorant state. I'm always going to know what it was like to be in love. I also know that I'm unlikely to ever return to that state again.