Background Noise

  I feel like my life is little more than background noise in the grand scheme of things. It never gets noticed because of how mediocre it is and I am. It seems the only time I do get noticed is when I royally fuck up in some fashion. I always feel like the odd man out. Like I don't belong anywhere. For example, take the gaming group that I've gaming with for over a decade. Despite the fact that I've been with these people that long, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not truly part of the group. It's the same way at work. It's this feeling that kept me from dating. I know, deep down inside, that any attempts I make at finding someone will only end in failure. Some years back I hooked up with a local BDSM group I found on AOL. I attended a few meetings but I could never get comfortable with them. I tried to stick it out going so far as to attend a BDSM gathering at a hotel in northern Illinois. I went into the bar area where everyone was hanging out and did... nothing. I didn't speak or try to get to know anyone there. My anxiety got to the point where I just left. As I was driving home, I realized that I'd forgotten my coat and actually considered just leaving it there and taking the loss.
  The reality is I'll never be physically, mentally, emotionally or financially ready for a relationship. For the women of the world, that's really great news. One less sub par idiot making a play for their affections. One less mediocre dipshit ruining their social lives. My erectile dysfunction seems to have gotten worse not that it matters. I'm not sure whether that's due to diabetic complications or a fucked up mental state. Probably both. I've been trying to get my a1c down to 7 or below with mixed results. While I've had some good days, I'm still screwing things up enough to potentially cause problems. I need to get my a1c down so I can get hip replacement surgery done to correct the avascular necrosis.

News Bits

  The right radical orchiectomy went well. The incisions are healing and there has been little in the way of pain. I have to set up an appointment with Dr. Matkov so he can tell me what was wrong with my right testicle. Update: My oncologist, Dr. Jefferies, gave me the orchiectomy results this past Tuesday. It's official, I had stage 1 seminoma (testicular cancer). Since it was confined to my right testicle, it's pretty much gone. My tumor markers are going to have to monitored every three months to make sure there's no recurrence. This fucking sucks. I undergo a colectomy and chemotherapy in order to rid myself of colon cancer only to end up with seminoma. Then I undergo an orchiectomy to get rid of the seminoma. The enlarged lymph node has yet to be analyzed. For all I know, a third form of cancer is fucking up some other part of my body.

  My erectile dysfunction appears to have worsened. I no longer get anything even approaching a decent erection anymore. I'm less of a man now than I've ever been. Not that I've ever been much of a man even when my penis worked and I had two functioning testicles. Women ignored me then. They have even more reason to ignore me now.

  My life has been little more than a shining example of mediocrity. I've made little, if any, impact on anything. Nothing I've done has amounted to anything significant. I used to think that I was smart and that said intellect would land me a decent job and lead to a decent life. I couldn't have been more wrong. Despite having health insurance and living with my parents, I'm barely making ends meet. One major financial crisis and I'm screwed. I have virtually no social life. The only time I usually see my friends is when we get together for gaming. And dating is out of the question. No woman wants what I have to offer. While any one particular flaw might not be enough to scare them away, all of them together will easily do the trick. The total, in this case, is far greater than the sum of the parts.

  That being the case, it means that the later years of my life are going to be lonely ones. After Mom and Dad die, I'll probably have to sell the house. Since I'm their executor, I'll be the one settling their estate. Jeff and I are the primary beneficiaries for now. With them gone, it will just be me. 

Ding Dong...

  My dick is dead. Well, not completely dead, more like 80% dead. Truthfully, I shouldn't be all that concerned. So what if I can't get it up anymore. It's not like I'm really losing anything, right? My sex life has gone from asymptotically approaching zero to zero. Having erectile dysfunction is just Nature's way of saying "You're going to remain a virgin for the rest of your miserable life, you repugnant little nobody." The problem is the desire is still there. I still want to have sex. I still want to indulge in bondage. But since women have unilaterally decided that they want nothing to do with me sexually, neither of those things are likely to happen. I wish I could kill off my sexual desires. Just end them completely. Then I could slouch my way to death like the eunuch I was apparently always meant to be.

Terminal Virginitis

  I'm going to be a virgin my whole fucking life. Not by choice, mind you, but because women find me utterly, wholly and completely repellent. I'm not at the bottom of sexual desirability totem pole, I'm several miles beneath it. I'd have to put in considerable effort if I want to move up to the lofty score of zero. It makes me wish that I could excise all the sexual thoughts, urges and fetishes from my brain. All they do is remind me of things I'll never have or experience like an intimate relationship, kinky sex or even vanilla sex for that matter. Not that I deserve any of that being the worthless piece of shit that I am. I'd be better off as a sexless, lobotomized freak. Odds are I'd be happier or at least so brain dead I'd no longer care. Hell, I'm already part way there because like about half the men my age, I suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction. My cock just isn't what it used to be. But since I'm never going to have sexual relations with a woman, it hardly fucking matters. It could shrivel up and fall off and my sex life would go from virtually nonexistent to simply nonexistent.

Another P.T.T. Moment Revised

  While being a complete and utter nobody that no woman would ever want to fuck has its disadvantages, there are some positive aspects to it.
  1. I have virtually no chance of contracting an STD. Hell, the only way I could get AIDS is from contaminated blood.
  2. I'll never have to deal with alimony, palimony or prenups.
  3. No unwanted pregnancies.
  4. Any genetic defects present in my DNA die with me.
  5. I'm not contributing to the overpopulation of the world.
  6. I'll never have to worry about being stalked by a crazy ex-lover.
  7. No marriage means no divorce.
  8. I get to fuck both Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day in the ass with a razor wire dildo.
  9. If I suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point in the future, it won't be that big a deal. I have yet to have sex with a woman. It's unlikely that I ever will have sex with a woman. Where's the loss? I'd go from having virtually no sex life to having no sex life. Things would hardly change.
  10. I'll never have to worry about my ability to please a woman sexually because no woman will ever want to have sex with me. Think of all the stress I'll be avoiding as a result.
  11. I'll also be saving money because I'll never have to go through any dating or courting rituals trying to win over a woman that finds me repugnant. They don't want to deal with me. I stay away from them. It's a win-win all around.
  12. I'll never have to deal with the scrutiny of  any woman's friends or relatives regarding my status as a potential mate. More stress relief.
  13. Since I've never had sex, I don't know what it's like. And you can't really miss something you've never had. As the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss.". If that's the case, then as far as sex goes, I'm one blissed out motherfucker.
  14. I never have to deal with a jealous mate. I can look at all the women I want and collect fetish photos and DVDs with impunity.
  15. I never have to worry about my girlfriend cheating on me because, let's face it, no woman is ever going to want that position. I'm going to be alone my whole fucking life.
  16. According to a recent newspaper article, it costs about $280,000.00 to raise a child today. Since the likelihood of me ever becoming a father is pretty much nonexistent, I'll never have to bear this cost. That means more money for me. If I play my cards right maybe I can use said saving to pay for a trip to Australia. I've always wanted to go there.
  17. Treating erectile disfunction costs money. But since the odds of my having sex is zero, I don't need to spend the money. More savings for me.
  I'm sure there are other positive aspects to being a worthless, miserable nonentity like me. If I think of any more, I'll edit them into this blog post. This has been another Polishing the Turd moment brought to you by the Fellowship of The Eternal Dobbs Pipe. May the Luck Plane align in your favor.